Thursday, April 17, 2014

the other side

IEP went well. I had nothing to add or delete.  His teacher and I see eye to eye.

Visited with
Jackson after the meeting.  Went good.  He was perfectly polite and respectful.  Angelic actually. Told me thank you for every single thing I gave him and did.

He was not the kid I know.  He was the kid that his teachers used to talk about.  The one who no one could understand why anyone would ever have a problem with.

He was not excited to see me and didn't tell me bye until I made him.

But he was nice. I wish I could be happy with nice. But I know he is going to have to stop with the fake act in order to heal.  So the nice bothers me.  It feels forced and weird. He feels distant.

I know it means I am on the "other side" now.  You know, the side that people who are not a love threat to him are on.

I know I have complained for so long about being on the side of love but now that, in his mind, I am on the other side I don't like this side either.  Oh how I hate this.

I had a good cry when I left him but not because I had to leave him.  Not because missing him brings me to tears.  I cried because I don't know how to reach him.  He is so far away.  Not by road distance.  His heart is so far away.  I cried because I finally got to see the kid I have fussed about not knowing but it left me with the uneasy feeling of realizing I really never knew my son.

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Got a call from social worker this week.  This situation is difficult. Things are a bit different than we were told in the beginning.  I feel like everything will be okay but it has been a stressful and emotional week.  I won't go into detail here but please continue to pray about our situation.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry. Hope your heart is ok. I'm glad you feel optimistic in spite of a difficult week.

    I have totally wanted to blog our story, but understand how you can't blog everything no matter how much you want to! So God bless your quiet difficulties as well as the stories you can tell us about!

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  2. This must be so hard for you. It's a long hard road for you and your family to walk, but always remind yourself that Jackson's in a good place now, and you have a good team and support around you. One day you will all get to where you're supposed to be as a family. Hang in there. I'll be praying.

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