Sunday, April 20, 2014

Grief and Relief

First picture taking holiday without Jackson.  I have dreaded today and have been
out of sorts all week. I suffer from migraines and they are particularly unbearable when I am under stress.  All day Saturday I had a migraine and woke up with it again Sunday. I am stressed and can't seem to shake it.  I just have a sick feeling about Jackson and how all this is going to turn out. 

I really want him back home, healed. I am trying to remain positive.  It's hard.

We had a WONDERFUL family day.  Really wonderful.  We went out to eat at a sit down restaurant and then to my parents lake house and it was such a relaxing and enjoyable day.  Most relaxed day at the lake ever.  Why was it so different?

I was not on edge about Jackson going off.  I was able to let the kids just run and play with the neighbor kids with no worries.  No one fussed.  No one pitched a fit. The whole family was relaxed and not holding their breath waiting on the bottom to fall out.  I got to visit with my family without constantly getting up and checking on Jackson or being interrupted by him.

I thought about Jackson so many times today.  His presence was always so pronounced, especially when we were with extended family, that it was a different kind of day.  Different in a good way but my heart still hurts. Hard to explain how relief and grief can occur at exactly the same time.


I don't make a big deal about the Easter bunny.  The Easter bunny comes and fills their baskets with junk but we don't talk about it.  Peyton asked me at bedtime if the bunny was going to come when the sun comes up. Haha.  I guess he thought I filled the baskets. :) 

I was so ill-prepared for Easter this year.  I was at Wal**Mart at 11pm getting candy for baskets.  I didn't put the older kids' baskets out this year for lack of preparation...then just got gum and a bag of their favorite candy.  I was ironing at midnight and Hubby and I were up at 1:30am throwing eggs into the yard.  We have over 200 plastic eggs.  Hubby hid about 20 and the rest we simply took by handfuls and throw them all over the back yard. :)

Bailey helped Britton hunt for eggs.  I think he was  a little overwhelmed by the whole process and sat down, refusing to pick any up.  Bailey came to the rescue and Britton quickly caught on.  

Raleigh found the prize egg again this year. 


Mixed basket of emotions today.  But one thing I know.....

My hope is in Jesus, my RISEN Savior. 

.Britton has been singing, "Jesus died for you and for me. He is alive.  He is alive. Jesus died for you and for me.  He is alive...."  over and over, all day.  

 Jesus died for You.  Jesus rose for You.  
Happy Easter!


  1. I can (unfortunately) understand the difficulty of not having your boy with you, but at the same time appreciate the lack of stress that is involved when he is with you.
    Praying for healing for all.

    1. Thank you for your understanding. Hard thing to explain. Thank you for your prayers.

  2. It's hard to really, truly hard to enjoy yourself when someone is missing - but you have to learn how to do just that for your sake as well as the rest of the families'. It is very sad that the lack of Jacksons' presence is so pronounced, but again it just confirms how much of your entire lives were dictated by his moods and behaviors, which is just simply wrong no matter how you look at it. It will get easier for you I hope and hopefully you will also see how much better the other kids are doing/feeling without the constant stress.

    1. You are right Lisa. Well said. I sat back and noticed how relaxed the whole family was yesterday. It was such a different atmosphere than in times past. I am so sorry I didn't realize how stress inducing Jackson's moods and behaviors were for every member of our family sooner, but very thankful we have this time to heal. Yesterday was such a blessing despite the heavy heart for Jackson's heart.

    2. I've been meaning to ask, how have the behaviors of the other kids been? I remember you saying the younger ones were being sassy in light of Jackson's behaviors, has that improved? Did it just sorta dissapate? Or has a lot of re-teaching happened?

    3. It is amazing what a difference there is in Peyton and Britton now that I am really able to focus on some of their difficult behaviors. They are responding to redirection and learning appropriate behavior. I am able to be more consistent with them and it is certainly paying off. They are not throwing fits at all. Peyton had gotten really bad about throwing things and kicking the walls and copying so many of the bad behaviors of Jackson's and that has completely stopped. Peyton was very vindictive when he didn't get his way by doing things he knew I wouldn't like to get back at me, to the point I was very concerned about him. He rarely does that anymore, and instead tries to please me despite not getting his way most of the time. He is verbalizing things and not showing a hot temper. Britton was my screamer when he didn't get his way but he rarely screams anymore. Whines and cries but doesn't scream. I can't even explain what a huge difference we are seeing in them. I know some of it is maturity but the rate in which we have seen improvement can't possibly be all about maturity at their ages. Very proud of them and so thankful we are seeing such pronounced healing in them during this time.

    4. Wow, that's really encouraging to hear! It's amazing how impressionable and also flexible children are. It gives hope for both P and B, and also Jackson.


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